Filed under: insightfulness
I never really worked hard in school. It came naturally to me, and if it didn’t then I couldn’t be bothered with it. That method of thinking worked well until eleventh grade. In eleventh grade, my ease of learning came to a screeching halt.
I took an advanced English class with one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. At the time, I begrudged his existence. It wasn’t until I finished my second year of college that I actually appreciated everything he taught us, things that extended beyond the scope of English assignments.
Every day for the entire semester he taught us grammar rules using mnemonic devices. For instance, “The paper, the play, the music, the movie all line up wavy, isn’t that groovy?” taught us that, in writing, names of papers or published works, titles of plays, music, and names of movies were italicized and not underlined. “The pig’s in zen when it’s in its pen” taught us that the punctuation (or pig) was to come before the closing quotation mark (or pen). They were helpful, useful, and I remember them 7 years later.
My adverse attitude towards studying put me at an extreme disadvantage. I would read over the material my teacher assigned, hope that my brain absorbed something, and wander off to watch TV or blog. I made flash cards sometimes, but making them and using them are entirely two different characters. I had no idea how to actually internalize the material, and because I was too prideful to ask, I never learned. I was a terrible note taker because never did I ever have to take notes before eleventh grade, and if ever I decided to actually glance over the notes I had taken, I couldn’t make heads or tales of them.
I didn’t realize what a gift education was. I had no idea how it would prepare me for life (the ability to prepare for the future is an ability most teenagers lack, not because they are against it, but because gussying up for prom is a lot more fun than learning to balance a checkbook). I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have; I rarely asked for help. Instead of focusing my efforts on learning, I was more interested in short-term edification. If something wasn’t immediately easy, I wrote it off as not being a worthwhile endeavor.
No one dreams of becoming a bagger at a grocery store as a long-term career goal. I never would have pegged myself as a cubicle-destined sort of person, but because I didn’t pay attention or take advantage of the education that was handed to me, here I am. I don’t say this to be preachy or unkind, but education is important and if you’re not taking full advantage of it, then there’s a good chance you won’t get where you want to in life.
Filed under: Uncategorized
For the second night in a row I am up when I should be sleeping. Admittedly, it’s only ten o’clock at night and plenty of people go to bed far later than that, but I am not one of them. Jason is back to the three a.m. shift so we go to bed at nine.
I will wait as you mock me for acting like an 87 year old.
Today I stayed home sick from work. I had a case of This Could Turn Into A Cold So I Should Sleep All Day kind of things: partially congested nose, weepy eye, headache. Then the congestion went away and I was left with what felt like sandpaper in what used to be my throat and nose. Then that went away, and so did my eye issue, but now the eye issue is back and I have a dry cough, which is usually the first symptom of The Mother Of All Sinus Infections.
I’m blaming tonight’s sleeping issue on the fact that I slept a majority of the day, so hopefully tomorrow I can go back to a regular schedule and my blog will go back to never being update.
But since I’m up, let’s dish.
….
I was hoping you had something, actually. Because I’ve got nothing.
Oh! Wait! I’ve got something.
On January first I started writing over at e-swagger. Mostly I write about relationship-based material, but there are lots of other things related to how to effectively use social media networks and the internet in general. It’s fairly new so there’s not a lot of content, but feel free to look around. Feedback, positive or negative, is very much appreciated.
I think I’m done now. I will try to go back to sleep just as soon as I’m done with this page on lamebook.com.
Filed under: insightfulness
This season always makes me really reflective and thoughtful, and so I avoid posting because for the most part I find posts like that kind of boring and repetitive. There’s nothing new I have to contribute, but I guess because this is my little piece of the internet, the one thing I have some control over, I should do something with it, even if that something is to update you on the nothing that has been going on.
And really, nothing has.
The past year has kind of blown, if we’re being honest. Everyone seemed a little on the defensive regardless of topic. It could have to do with differing political views or the economy (which seems to be the catch-all), but I’m ready for it to stop. I’m ready to put down my weapon and actually be nice to people instead of assuming everything is a jab at my integrity or validity.
I’ve talked to a few people and everyone seems very optimistic for 2010, and that pleases me. The slate is wiped clean, so to speak, and here we are, ready for whatever comes our way. There is possibility of getting burned out, of letting old habits and old feelings get the better of us, but there’s also the hope that our feelings of optimism will take us far beyond the year 2010. The hope and change we were all expecting to fall out of thin air… it starts with us. No one can force us to hope if our preference is gloom.
On a personal note, things are fairly low key. The adrenaline that came with the cancer has subsided and in its place we’re left with a closeness that I thought was reserved for people who have been married for twenty years. I love my husband, would give him my last breath if I could, and it broke my heart that he had to go through chemotherapy and surgery alone. I was there with him, but he did it by himself, with little fanfare, because that’s what needed to be done. I applaud him everyday for shouldering not only his own burdens and fears, but mine as well.
Tonight we’re going out to dinner with our closest friends and will ring in the New Year with champagne and laughter. I’m so grateful for the people I’ve met this past year and since I’ve moved to Oregon. They’ve been there at every New Year’s celebration since the first one I ever celebrated, before I even lived here. They are my little Medford family, the ones I would choose for myself if I had the ability.
So.
That’s it then.
Happy New Year.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Right now is the biggest Oregon college football game of the year and I am blogging as a way to cope with all of the boredom. It’s not that I hate football; I don’t. I know the rules and can follow it and that’s all hunky-dory, but I don’t lose my shit when someone scores a touchdown or the umpires blow.
I spent some fall evenings of my childhood at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, home of the Florida Gators. My father is an alumni and we went to many a home game. I spent most of the time watching the pixelated box at one of the end zones. At the time, it was much more entertaining than what was going on down on the field. I picked up a thing or two and am no longer lost when a game is on. In fact, I even went to a Duck game, under my own free will. I bought the tickets from a coworker and took Jason to Eugene as an early birthday present. It was fun. Our seats were great and the crowd was lively and it was a great chance to people watch.
But right now there’s no one to watch but Jason, and he’s yelling at the TV.
Maybe I’ll do some online shopping until it’s half time, although I enjoy shopping more when I’m actually at the store. I like that department store smell. The only thing I smell when I shop at home is that god damned cinnamon air freshener Jason keeps spraying.
I named this blessed event Chemo Tuesday because Jason started his chemotherapy today and it happened to be Tuesday. I’m pretty clever at naming things.
When we had our initial meeting with the chemotologist (is that a word? Firefox is telling me no, but I make the rules), he said that chemotherapy was “remarkably anticlimactic.” He said that. I wrote it down for future reference. I also wrote things down like “blood count” and “single agent” (which made me happy, like the carboplatin coursing through my husband’s veins wouldn’t all of the sudden unmask himself and start attacking precious body parts, like his single, lonely ball) and a litany of side effects. It was only after I had wasted my time writing down said side effects that the doctor said Jason would likely not experience any of them.
6 and a half hours after the chemo, the only side effect he has experiences is tiredness.
In a week he should really start feeling like shit. Here is why, in layman’s terms: chemotherapy is designed to attack the rapidly growing cells in your body. This includes hair follicles (leading to hair loss) and mouth cells (leading to mouth sores). Other rapidly growing cells: white blood cells. Unlike red blood cells, white blood cells regenerate at a much faster rate to fight a host of bacteria we come into contact with every day. Most of the time we aren’t even aware that anything is wrong: we get a cut, our blood is exposed to bacteria, the white blood cells chomp it up, and we go about our day. The downside is that because the chemo attacks rapidly growing cells and white blood cells happen to fall under that umbrella, he will be at a higher risk of infection and feel more run down now that his immune system is a bit oppressed.
Sounds fun, right?
Anyway. Back to “remarkably anticlimactic.” The doctor was right. Jason sat in a chair with an IV in his arm for an hour: fifteen minutes for some super-duper anti-nausea medicine, and 45 minutes for his single-agent carboplatin. I don’t really know what I expected to happen. Everyone to break out in song? His eyeballs to turn pink? We sat and read magazines and then it was time to leave. And that was his first round of chemo.
He goes back every Tuesday for the next two weeks for blood tests to make sure his blood is cooperating and his kidneys are functioning normally. In three weeks he goes back for dose number two. And that’s pretty much it.
Filed under: random
We’ve lived in our apartment for two and a half years – three Christmases – now.
Our tree is fake because I do not want to deal with real trees. We have ornaments from our childhoods, as well as three for each year we’ve been together. We put up our tree and watch Christmas movies and it’s all very pretty.
Aside from the tree, though, there was little in the way of other decorations. So we went shopping. We had a Pier One gift card from when we got married (yes, that was over a year ago. Aren’t you impressed with my lack of impulse shopping? Truth: I kind of forgot about it) and on Saturday decided to use it. We bought a new tray for our coffee table and a Santa figure and a Snowman figure. Then went to to the Hallmark store to get our 2009 ornament and got two other snowmen figures, so now I’m happy. And Jason is happy, too. Because at Pier One there was a sale on their spray scents, so we picked up one that smelled like apples and cinnamon and he likes it so much he sprays it every time he walks by the canister. He sprays and sprays and then exclaims “CHRISTMAS!” like he’s five years old. I love his enthusiasm, but I’m pretty sure my pee is going to smell cinnamon-y now.
I am so grateful for the long weekend. It was really fantastic to spend time by myself and with Jason. We saw a movie, hung out around the house, went shopping, and did some more hanging. A lot of TV was watched. Sleeping in was done. It was fairly low key, the way a vacation should be.
Except today is Monday. Vacation is over. Not only is it over, it’s also the busiest day of the month in our department at Big Company. We were closed on Friday, so work is likely backed up to hell. It’ll be a two-coffee day for sure.
Filed under: Uncategorized
We were all in a circle, and in the middle of the circle were three buckets of water, and soap, and washcloths. The director, Andre, told us the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet as an act of servanthood. Andre explained that the Southeastern put a big emphasis on servanthood, and stressed the importance of putting others before ourselves. It was a very powerful and moving sermon. He encouraged us to look around the circle, to find someone we could serve.
One by one my peers got up from their space in the circle, took someone else’s hand, and washed their feet. It was beautiful. We prayed and worsipped while this was going on, as we expressed our servanthood in the purest of ways.
I washed the feet of a girl named Mary. I would meet her later. She was the girlfriend of the roommate of a guy I went on a date with. Such a small world. At the time, though, she was nameless, and as I washed, I thought about how vulnerable she must feel, having some stranger clean her feet.
I’m not sure how long we all sat there. After a while, I started feeling panicked. No one had approached me.
I used to suffer from extreme social anxiety. It felt debilitating. I couldn’t go to class without feeling judged, stared at, and mocked. I didn’t make friends easily because large groups of people scared me. It took me many months of therapy to come to grips with, to understand that no one was teasing me quietly and that large groups were nothing to be afraid of. I had conquered it.
Until then. I sat in the group of strangers and felt cast aside. The whole thing came and went and no one had chosen me and I was crushed.
It wasn’t intentional. No one was being malicious by not washing my feet. It could have been that there was an odd number of people, or that someone left when they heard there would be foot touching. I don’t hold it against them, but it broke me.
I never went back.
I tell you this not so you’ll feel sorry for me, but so someone might understand what it feels like to be left out. Although it was a trigger for my depression to rear its ugly head, it provided me with an opportunity to learn about the true nature of serving. Sometimes you don’t get chosen, but that shouldn’t stop you from choosing.
